Straight to the point.
My last relationship started 3 and a half years ago. it ended 9 months ago.
It was horrific, it was beautiful.
It was the first time love was mutual.
It’s been a mess.
I’m following a sine-wave between anger and frustration over so many things, to trying to find a way to move on.
I feel angry, because even before we started I knew so much, afterwards I feel I know too much, and at both points it seems like it is assumed I know less. I have social anxiety, I’ve had depression, I try to be a better person. To be told I didn’t know or wasn’t good enough is a kick in the teeth. I knew so much, too much, that’s what fucks me over.
I have a strong sense of self, not because I think I’m perfect, but because I had to learn when I was younger. I know who I am, I know what he didn’t see, what he didn’t know, and what he didn’t believe.
I know I put in 150%, and whilst he still cares, we’re still friends, it doesn’t really matter anymore. Regardless of who I am, and what he did or didn’t know, how hard I fought, it doesn’t really matter anymore.
And that hurts.
Regardless of the future, of whether it will matter, knowing that I need to just accept it.
In short, I need to move on, I need an outlet.
I spend my life taking things in, and trying to see and appreciate the other perspective to reach a balance . I’m a problem solver, but not all problems have a solution. Sometimes it’s outside the box, the box you’re determined to stay inside. And I think I’m stuck deciding whether to keep fighting, find a solution inside, or step outside and walk away, find a new way to cope. Unfortunately anxiety tells me that wouldn’t work too ^^
Alternatively there is something outside the box I’ve not considered yet, I wrote this post on Saturday, everything below I wrote on Sunday, and slowly the fact I need to just not care is sinking in. Unfortunately when caring and consideration is something you pride yourself on, when part of social anxiety is caring about and considering the details, that is extremely difficult. I’ve wandered round in circles searching for solutions, a way to express how I feel, to reach a level of understanding in myself, and between the two of us, about exactly what happened. Justifying the anger and extreme anxiety I felt and feel, and why I am still not over it. The simplest way is not to care, that’s just one life lesson I’ve not learnt when it comes to the people who matter, to learn to just let people go or let them think or feel whatever they will feel, because no matter how much you try to protect them or yourself, no matter how clearly you know your intentions, your meaning etc, some people just won’t get it, they’ve got their own shit to deal with which means no matter how rational you’re thinking and reasoning, they might just not be able to get it.
My ex had hangups, I knew why, and because I loved him, because it was just him, because everyone is human, I just tried to work around that. I tried to explain myself better, often I tried to fix/counter things instead of just letting things be. For many people the easiest thing is to just let things be, for someone with anxiety it can be imperative to them that a level of understanding is reached. It’s horrible not being liked for something you are, but when it’s something you’re not that can somehow be worse. When you know your exact meaning etc it can be hard to let go, especially if the other person is angry/*insert other emotion here* at you. It is hard to be on the brunt of anger etc. which you know stems from something unreal. The anxiety you feel as a result is not okay, it is hard to cope with. And for years my solution was to be direct, to say something hurt, to say something wasn’t the case, to explain my meanings and actions, because to me all these little instances mattered. I could let plenty go, but for things I was most confident/certain about, it hurt, the themes which occurred time and time again to just try to overcome that seemed like the most positive way forward. And for many people, that can work, but sometimes it’s important to realise that’s just not possible or practical, at least at that point. Sometimes it’s not possible at all just because of who they are at the time, or full stop. I think the thing I learnt most was if someone views you incorrectly, thinks something, feels something, there’s not a lot which can be done unless they are willing to listen and to hear you out, to just trust you. You can choose to walk away, because frankly if someone can’t see you for you, if they can’t appreciate your perspective, then are they really worth it, do they really deserve you? It can be the best decision, but it is hard.
I think with my ex, the issue was he wanted things to be easy. I knew, from experience, that in order for things to be easy, you have to work a little, you have to communicate, discuss, be straight and trust the other person. And we spoke about a lot, at the start he definitely was good, and now he is also better. But he has his own issues, perspective etc. And it was easiest for him just to put my concerns and attempts to talk things through down to worrying. His perspective was hard to counter, it was easy to say I was just worrying or when I clarified or explained my meaning that I just did it because I was worried he wouldn’t like me or think something of me. The problem is as an anxious person you need those things which make you feel good about yourself, you analyse yourself enough that those things you know you are, you are sure about. Already analysing how you act, to then be told you’re saying/meaning/doing something you’re not/didn’t intend is hard to deal with. When it is based on another perspective it is incredibly hard to deal with, the biggest thing for my ex being pressure.
He put a lot of pressure on himself, he would see demands, requests, criticism, guilt tripping where there was none, in the end I was stating in messages that things were suggestions because using phrases like ‘would you like to…’ and ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’ just weren’t absorbed. I was stating. It was to the point that sometimes he just wouldn’t respond and it is incredibly hard to know sometimes if it’s something you said, it is incredibly hard to message not knowing what the response will be, whether it will clarify or make things worse because it seems like worrying, whether even messaging a random picture will make things worse. It is hard to do this because this can’t be pointed out to them, when it will make the pressure worse, when it could seem like a criticism. You can’t tell them you’re anxious because of them, because it’s more pressure. It is easy for them to put it down to your issues. To say you’re the cause of the pressure inside, as opposed to their perspective, their own issues. It was to the point I felt I had to write so specifically and be so comprehensive, but this only served to persuade him that I was worrying, because it was so detailed. I learnt eventually (months after we ended) the best way to work around this was just to show that things were different, to be happy, not worrying, not upset. But that’s not reality, it does not eradicate all these preconceptions they have of you, when you do speak it doesn’t mean they’re not still viewing it through that same warped lens. The issues and perspective they have, have not necessarily gone away. And unless they are willing to look deeply at themselves and you, it’s unlikely to change at any point soon, maybe they will always assume these things about you.
We still talk, but I’ve spoken less and less because of how he’s reacted recently and in the past. I know some of it’s not real anymore, but some of it definitely is. But always explaining why something had set me off was a problem, it was too easy for it to be dismissed as me worrying, that I was focusing on a single instance, etc. But then wouldn’t believe if I backed it up with other instances, explained the thinking.
It is too easy to assume someone with anxiety is irrational, it is too easy to assume they are the problem with issues like pressure, without taking a look at themselves.
I knew he had issues when I met him, I loved him for all of them, even now I know he is only human, it just is how it is. But it is too often too hard to deal with. It is too hard being the scapegoat. It is too hard feeling whatever you say will not be enough. It is too hard knowing that without proper trust and understanding this person will never properly get me. Unless he looks at himself he will not properly get me. Unless he is truly prepared to understand emotions and anxiety, he won’t get me. And why should he try now?
So if someone doesn’t just hear you out when you decide to fight for something, if they do just use your flaws as a scapegoat, if they use anxiety as a reason not to deal with reality, with issues between you, to assume any upset you feel is because of anxiety, it’s in your head, and not anything real, then think regardless of who this person is, and why they’re that way, maybe the fact they view you this way at all means they’re not worth it. If your anxiety is a reason not to take you, or anything, seriously it’s a massive problem. Because you can explain so much, but eventually they will either get it or they won’t. You might just have to step away, and that can’t be incredibly hard, right now I am saying that’s what needs to be done, and I’m not sure I can do it..
Because people with anxiety they know the difference between irrational and rational fear anxiety, they can feel the difference, it is horribly obvious. They know the difference between anxiety, concern, worrying and just talking about issues. And given the opportunity we can express and explain everything so well, because the issue is not that the person is focusing on a single point and they can’t see reality. It’s that they can see ever such a lot, but cannot get to the point with certainty to say something is one way to say something is the reality. Sometimes just the fear that it could be the other is too much. Or simply the fact they have to deal with something full stop is too much.
And to be told that they’re worried or anxious when they’re not, to not be trusted because you can just decide they’re saying it because they’re worried, to not just believe them at their word but see deeper explanation as worrying is soul destroying. It just makes it so much worse. In this relationship I reached the point where I didn’t feel I could say anything, not in my head, but because anything remotely serious, including bills, evoked a very real angry response. And that is the thing, so many of the reasons I feel this way now, are based on very real responses recently and further back in the past. It’s based on very real knowledge about the pressure he feels, and the issues involved if I were to ever try and explain why I’m still anxious, to even say that I still get anxious because it begs questions, it leads to feelings of pressure. Too often, to him, the causes don’t seem important, and when the reasons aren’t of interest, it ends up as him only disputing whether I should be anxious at all. That is the issue contended. And this became the norm in the relationship. The reason I had to explain why something I stated was the case, why I was upset, anxious, unhappy, was because the issue to him wasn’t why I felt that way, overcoming it and moving on, the issue was that I shouldn’t feel that way at all. And that was too often the reality. It diminished it to being my issue, and nothing more. To be there, but turn away from any real issue which might exist.
I think I’m done, it feels like I should be done
Yesterday, I thought I probably was
But I messaged as again things between him and I had been postponed from Sunday
Somehow I felt I should try and meet up
Because we said we would
I was left feeling regret
Because I don’t think he’s okay with me
It might just be anxiety but, even then, I don’t think I’m okay with him any more
A friend said yesterday, you’re both trying to move on, chances are he needs to move away from you, any contact might feel like pressure, no matter how positive his responses at times
The truth is I think I’ve felt this pressure for a while.
It wrecks that this might be the end
It wrecks that I don’t think I feel I can write anything to even express finality, temporary or permenant, because I still believe he would put it down to irrationality instead of maturity, it still feels like he would be saying I’m basing it on nothing. Because theoretically we’ve been fine, but I don’t think that’s real. I’ve felt pressure to make sure he doesn’t feel pressure for months. Even in June I had to persuade him that suggesting to meet up after we’d agreed upon it, was a suggestion. There were too many times my words felt like they were annoyances as opposed to appreciated. There were too many times I felt being expressive or being upset in front of him, made it feel like he thought I needed him
The truth is, even if he just needs a break, I think it might be permenant for me
It has just been too much these past few months
The fight this past year to two years was too much
I fought to be known for who I was
I fought for us
We fought to stay friends
Now it feels like just I’ve been the one fighting to maintain it, as all the while it slips away
We followed his shifting comfort zone, until there was basically nothing left
He always did try, and he understands some, but not enough. He often needed things to be a certain way which just makes me feel anxious, because it is changeable, but he can’t see why I would be anxious. He doesn’t process the change as consciously as I do. By just changing his mind and acting on feelings, by following the irrational or not communicating, how could I ever rationalise it? Because nowadays I don’t feel I can just assume what he said a few days, a week, two weeks ago is necessarily the case. I can’t assume he won’t feel pressure when he needs to play things by ear, it’s what he needs, but when this impacts conversations, plans, relating to someone, what could I really do? When the anxiety hasn’t had a chance to fade, when there are still signs of feeling pressure, no matter how understanding he is, is there ever really a solution, when a single sentence can push things apart because at that moment it is not okay? Can I assume these instances will fade and not just be cumulative? Can I assume now, that it’s not already reached it’s threshold. Especially when I feel I’ve reached mine