Undoubtedly this is a little late.
It went well, except something else meant I wasn´t okay
And towards the end I spent several days in a state of anxiety and deepthought which overwhelmed me
It´s a subject I may write about soon, there are definitely things I can learn from it
I took time off, which was a conclusion I took even before I was overwhelmed, that I needed to forgive myself for not being perfect, if I needed time, then I could let some things go
But I think I also let myself be overwhelmed, instead of remembering, writing could´ve been a distraction
The goal was to be more productive, to do at least one thing per day. To respond to people timely.
I had the benefit of having already written that day,, immediately I could at least have a sense of being productive. It´s always nice at the beginning of something, you have that rush, that optimism.
The thing to overcome was responding to people
Both professional and private.
I felt pressure from both, I guess I get that a lot, because I put a lot on myself, I felt like I might be judged or embarrased, simply because I felt them myself. I´d chosen to give up my job, and whilst it felt right for me, it didn´t feel like the sensible option. You forget that people are forgiving and understanding, that people are so caught up in their world that your actions rarely matter too much in the long run, your actions pretty much just matter to you. This can be depressing, it can make you feel small, I still feel pressure to get things exactly right because I never did like getting told off or getting into trouble. I´m still that child
But really it can be blessing, and with your friends, even if you don´t speak that often, it can be enough that when you do, you know it means something.
I was always shy and quiet, so the pressure I feel for constant conversation was never realsitic. It´s realising that I really matter to the people I matter to, that it´s real.
With film, music, YouTube, and social media this feeling can be exacerbated to new extremes. You see constant, immediate conversation, ideal friendships, ideal relationships, ideal lives. You don´t see the awkward silences, the fights, the misunderstandings, the inconsequential events which are part of being human. The constant conversation depicted online and in films, paired with pressures I felt from being in an overly symbiotic relationship, means I feel like a conversation should be constant and automatic, without interruption. It means I, and others, are guilty of dehumanising other people and ourselves. If I´m learning things from this relationship and from reflecting on the last one. It´s to be more forgiving and understanding of being human. To not expect an ideal. And to not expect to be an ideal. To not catastrophise about the tiny things, this isn´t a script where everything contributes directly to the end.
Motivated by these goals I´d set myself. I responded to the job interview request I´d been putting off. I had issues committing due to the feeling, that whilst I liked the sound of the job, my heart is with someone in another country. I would look bad if I said no later. I was scared of the interview, I was scared of the prospect of being unhappy somewhere new. It´s getting the balance between living in the present, and thinking far enough ahead that my actions get me to a place I want to be. I´ve spent a lot of my life wandering, metaphorically, I have things I enjoy, but I rarely feel passionate except for about people, yet I´m an anxious introvert.I talked to my friends and family, and of course they were supportive and understanding
My thoughts for these days were even more complicated than above. And, in hindsight, really it reflected what was to come over the days following, when I was overwhelmed by thoughts. I returned home from Germany, really I had thing´s unaddressed, though we definitely addressed many things whilst I was there, there were still things which bothered me. I am lucky, that at the moment, bar mental illness, this is the worst of my problems. But the two end up going hand-in-hand, even if it is getting better. Even if I am learning lessons I need to learn. Even if I have come so far
I responded to people relatively promptly, I was happy about doing so, but I also realised I missed some messages when I checked several days later. It happens. I should´t víew it as as a failure, I can only focus on what I can do to be better. I´m only human
Productivity-wise, it was limited, though not absent. My time was focused on having limited time together. Again it´s about finding a balance between being in the present and doing things for the future. At the very least, I completed an online course on forensic facial reconstruction, which is relevant to my degree. It was productive but Iäm still avoiding what I need, which is a definitive plan and action on what I´m doing now. I´ve lived mostly in the moment for a while now, with limited effort in any direction because I´m not *exactly* sure which direction to go in. But how much do people? is it not time I got back out there?
The notes for the next few days were lost, I believe I did do more again, to respond to people, it was not unproductive.
On reflection I needed more specific goals, more specific time Frames. I need to learn to not associate it with stress and guilt though, more so reward. I need to work on understanding the feelings I addressed above, to understand that it will take time, but I need to keep breaking through them, there will be rough patches like what followed afterwards. it takes time and practice to learn and accept things. At the very least I´ve been better at responding to people, but it is also part of feeling depressed to believe you are alone,you have to work through each time to realise you´re not. Everyone feels that way from time to time.
And the same issues and concerns do repeat themselves, even if I´m aware of them
One thing I tried but didn´t continue, but seemed to work whilst I could function well, was to not just focus on the worries and follow them cyclically around my head, but to find the question I wanted the answer to. What exactly was bothering me. Once you have a definitive question , it can be easier to find the answer. To work out how to tackle it or why it bothered me. Not everything is simple, and the question or answer doesn´t have to be either. But it did seem to help. It was less overwhelming. It motivated me to do something proactive.
This week, I will work further on taking steps to just making a decision. To working out the question. Because whilst I should be forgiving of myself, and this is something I should continue to practice, it should also not be an excuse for not going forward. I am human, but I am in control of my world and where I take it